I never thought that one day could change the rest of my life. Now yes having kids changed my life for the better but I am not talking about having children. On Christmas day 2012 we were having a great day with the kids. Everyone was laughing, gifts were opened, the kids were happy but little did we know that was about to change with one phone call.
Around 2:30 pm we received the call that would forever change my families life. I will never forget this moment because honestly I have replayed it in my head many many times. My mom answered the phone and everyone was still loud and kids were playing with new toys. I heard my moms voice change and everyone instantly shut up. I looked at my mom and she had the look of worry and fear. I took over the phone because she couldn't talk but for whatever reason I was calm. On the other end of the phone was my older sisters friend. She was telling me that my sister who did not come to my parents house for Christmas because she had been sick and didn't want to get the kids sick, had collapsed. She had the paramedics working on her but she was not breathing. First thing I thought of was my husband needed to get the girls and go home so I could meet the ambulance at the hospital with my family. I was in action mode and my mind was going very quickly. I couldn't bear to think the worst.
We arrived at the hospital and we were put into a tiny room that I think was also storage at times. My dad kept going in the hallway to talk to the nurses and to get updates. Then while my dad was in the hall way with my brother a doctor came in to speak with us. I knew it was bad. I know it is crazy but I remember looking at this doctor thinking how does she work in those heels. I can remember she was wearing a skirt, a top and beautiful heels. I told you before my memory is insane. She was talking and talking, finally I looked at her and said what is going on here because you keep talking around something. Then she said it, she said the words that they say on every TV show based in a hospital. "We did everything we could but she did not make it". I felt instant tears and shock. I looked at my mom and I can tell she was feeling the same thing. My dad and brother came back in the room where I was with my mom and sister in law and we all hugged and cried. My twin sister had already went to her in-laws house at this point to spend the rest of Christmas with them but she arrived at the hospital minutes after we received the bad news. The look of sadness in my mothers eyes that day is something I will never forget. A mother shouldn't lose her child. Her first born child was gone. I have thought many times since that I cannot even bear to think what if that ever happened to me.
We spoke to my sister at 11:00 AM that morning. She called Christmas morning to say Merry Christmas. She told me she felt better but I knew my sister very well and knew she was not feeling well. I knew she sounded worse and she sounded sad because there was nothing she loved more then her nephew and two nieces. They were her heart and soul. Those children did no wrong to her and were the light of her life. It was upsetting her very much that she did not see them Christmas morning to see them open the gifts she carefully picked for them. My sister was the type of person who bought a gift and while opening it would explain exactly why she bought it for you. I always thought that was annoying but now I miss that a lot. I miss hearing the reasoning to something has simple as a wallet or shirt. She put much thought into each gift she ever bought anyone.
Believe it or not December 23rd is actually a harder day for me. That is the day I last saw her in person. I dropped off some stuff she wanted. She had asked me to pick up gifts for some special animals, yes animals. She made sure she got her beloved dog and cat gifts, my animals gifts, my twin sisters cats a gift, and my brothers dog a gift. She wasn't feeling well and wasn't able to get to the store so I went for her. I had brought one of the girls in with me because I was just planning on running in and because she was sick I wanted to cheer her up and for her to see one of the girls. She was so happy I did that. I remember exactly in her house where she was sitting, what she was wearing and how her hair was (always in a scrunchie). I still do not remember if I said "I love you" when I left that night. I would like to believe I did and some how really think I did but I can not remember that moment. It was such a brief visit but one I will treasure for all of my life. December 23rd is the last day I ever hugged my sister, spoke to her in person, that my daughter got to see her aunt and that I got to see my sister. My older sister. The person I looked up to growing up, the person who I leaned on during hard times, the one person at the time who understand my fertility issues. She got me like no one else did.
After she died I cried and cried. Then I was mad. I went through all the stages of grief. Some days I feel like I am still going through it all. I have my days where I can talk about her and laugh and think about how crazy she was. Then I have these days that I have this sudden pain and want to talk to her. I always think what would I say if I could talk to her one last time. Anyone who knew my sister knew she was a talker. I always think of how she always answered the phone "hey, what's going on" or how she called you a "jerk" if you were being funny or a pain in the ass. Most days I would give anything to hear a "hey, what''s going on.
I have had many many days of needing her, feeling abandoned and mad at her. For anyone who hasn't gone through losing someone I have read it is normal to be mad at the person who died. I went through a period where I would wake up and forget and then it would hit me after a second and the pain came rushing back.I have had dreams of my sister and those dreams she is healthy and happy. One dream recently her life dream was coming true. I wake up happy because I was able to see my sister but after a little bit it becomes bittersweet.
Now almost two years later the crying is not too bad. I have my days. I no longer have that mad feeling. I have the I miss my sister very much feeling. Mostly when I watch the kids do something funny or when one of my daughters does something that reminds me of my sister. One of my daughters looks at pictures and points out my sister. She was only 1 when my sister passed away but ever since I show my girls pictures so they will not forget her. My uncle had passed away the same way my sister did. I do not have memories of him but know so many stories and have seen pictures that I feel like I knew him. I want my girls to feel that way to.
This entry is to my sister Liz. She was a pain in the ass at times but had a heart of gold. My life changed that day and I made a huge decision after she died. More about that change another day. For now I will say treasure your loved ones because in a moments notice you could lose them and never be the same again.
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