After that life changing moment I went into a cloud of sorts. The wake and funeral I felt has if I was comforting everyone else. Someone would introduce themselves has a friend of my sister and I would say "yes she spoke about you often and how wonderful you were" or I would see an old friend of hers I knew and would say "she enjoyed your friendship very much" and sometimes give a story she had told me. After each time I did this I would think what the hell am I doing? Why am I comforting these people? Why aren't they comforting me? It was a strange thing but person after person I kept it up. I wanted to be the strong one who was able to speak about my sister. Then a person who really meant something to my sister came to me and I would burst out in tears. I remember at the wake her best friend from when she was in middle school came over to me she was one of the first people at the wake and someone who has always meant a lot to my sister and to me. She walked up to me and I burst out in tears and so did she. She was that friend to my sister that no matter how long they hadn't spoken to each other for, they picked up has if no time had passed at all. She was one of her friends I like to call a "soul mate friend". I think most people have that friend or a few of those friends. I know I have a few of those friends.My sisters friend had her busy schedule and life and my sister had her life but when they needed each other one another would stop what they were doing to chat. If her friend was in town visiting her family she always made time for my sister. Although they were different people in many aspect they also shared a lot of the same qualities and likes. Seeing her without my sister was a shock to me. It was one of those moment where it hit me again that my sister was no longer with us.
Then there were the people who said the worst thing possible. I was one of those people before I lost someone. I was the person who would give the generic phrases at a funeral. "I am sorry for your loss", "They are in a better place", "God only takes the good ones", "She is looking down on you and smiling"...and many many more phrases. I know that people were saying those things because really what else would they say. They wouldn't say the obvious like "this fucking sucks" who would say that to someone grieving. Then we had the many people who would say "what happened" like re-hashing it at the wake was really fun a thing to keep doing.I had to keep thinking to myself they are trying to help. To me nothing would help me understand how a 37 year old woman was dead way before her time.
Now my sister never got to do many things that she wanted to. She never was able to finish college, was never able to have children of her own, and was never able to have a surgery that may have been able to save her life (who knows). After she passed I did a lot of soul searching. I figured out that I was happy in many many parts of my life but was not happy with the way I looked. I had been overweight for my whole life. I never remember being thin. Even has a child I never remember that. I look at pictures from when I was a child and think I wasn't that overweight here but then has time went on I packed on the pounds. My all time high was when I was pregnant, yes I know being pregnant adds pounds but what that scale said was scary. I remember being at my doctors office and getting a glimpse of my chart and it said "Morbidly Obese" I almost started to cry. Why would they even put that in there? I will never know but I saw it and wow that was heartbreaking to read. I never felt that big but the scale said I was.
After I had the twins I knew I should lose weight for them but between sleepless nights and taking care of two babies during the day I was eating bad food and had no time to exercise. Then my sister died. I knew I had to do something to change my life. I had so much to live for and wanted to do it happily. I had tried every fad diet, even tried work out videos, and the weight would come off but not enough and then if I stopped a diet well the weight piled back on and sometimes even more then what I had lost. It was a bad cycle. One day a co-worker came to me and said she was thinking about having a weight loss surgery. I thought good for her for taking over her life. I could not get that conversation out of my head. I started researching surgeries first. Then I researched doctors who took my insurance. Then I made the call for an appointment. I was very nervous to meet with the doctor. Although she meets with overweight people daily I didn't want to be judged by another person. The day I had my first appointment I already knew the ins and outs of every surgery. I did extensive research and already had my mind set on which surgery I wanted to do. I had my insurance information ready and knew what I needed to do in order to get it approved. Even the doctor was surprised at how informed I had already been. She said most patients come in and had no information on any surgery but here I was no questions to ask except for "when can I do this". I wanted a date, needed a date. I wanted to know when my life would change. I had been told over the years by many doctors that I needed to lose weight, but until my sister died I really thought I could do it myself. I needed this surgery to happen ASAP, I needed to start my life again. A few weeks after that initial consultation and then many other appointments to make sure I was healthy enough to have this surgery both physically and mentally I received a date. I was told because of how high my body mass index (BMI) was, I was able to skip some steps and have surgery 3 months after my initial consultation. I was surprised but very happy. From that moment on I was ready, there was no looking back. I knew at that point my life would be changing for the better and that I could be a better me. I could enjoy life a lot more then I ever could before.
I will write more about that next phase of this surgery in my next post.
